E23 | How to Cultivate Trust in Working Relationships

Hi. Welcome to lead with a coaching mindset, a Podcast where we explore how leaders unlock followers potential. I am Dr Damian Goldvarg, and I am very excited to discuss my new book, lead with a coaching mindset.

Hi everyone. I'm Elaine Padilla. I'm also coach and I will be the host of this podcast. We hope that you find this space inspirational and thought provoking.

Let's get into it. Welcome to live with a coaching mindset. We meet every other week with Elaine Padilla to discuss my book, live with a coaching mindset, and today, we are going to be focusing on trust. Hi Elaine. How about it today?

Hi Damien, good to see you again.

Great to see you. And today, we're going to be exploring trust, and it's a very interesting topic, one of my favorite chapters in the book. So it's interesting. When we talk about trust, we give it for granted, but we don't realize that trust needs to be cultivated. We need to be intentional, at be doing things, and same thing that help to build trust.

Yeah, you know, something that that just came up for me, I realized that some people automatically trust others. Well, others, they have to earn. It has to be earned. So that's, that's, that's really interesting, right? You know, what kind of leader are you? Are you someone who implicitly trust others? Are your employees, people who like automatically trust? Or do they have, you know, does it have to be earned?

So that is also based on past experiences in our lives. If in our life we have positive experiences, probably it's easier to trust, but if we have many stories of disappointment, it's more difficult. So how we relate to trust, and what is our relationship to trust is based on past experiences. So I want to invite people who are listening to us today to to answer this question, what is your relationship with trust? And in the book, What I wrote is that leaders who want to be effective and want to develop the coaching mindset to want to focus on developing others that want to focus on building great relationships, cannot overlook trust, because if you do not have trust, you cannot do that. People may follow you if you give orders because you're the boss, but if you want people to be loyal, to commit, to be engaged, we need to start by building trust, and everything we cover in past episodes about contracting and agreeing. All of that is about building trust. It's about creating conditions for trust. If you do not have clear expectations, if you don't spend time understanding each other, then trust may not be there.

So Damien, in your book, you share a personal story related to trust and breaking someone's trust, tell me, tell us about that.

So Damian, in your book, you share some strategies for Phil for building trust. So even if you know, so even if employees implicitly, you know trust and the manager is also someone that trusts you still don't know each other. So you know, what are some strategies to to help build trust?

Well, first, as I was saying before, we need to be intentional, we need to prepare, we need to plan, and we need to be sensitive to people's needs and questions. So one of the key ways to start building trust is by being open, transparent as much as we can. So by being clear about what we want and what we need, by being curious, being interested in other people creates trust. Sometimes I tell people like, if you're going to have a date in more important to be interested that interesting. So it's about being curious about the other person that creates interest in the other towards you by you being interested first so leaders who are interested and curious and want to understand and learn about the collaborators, they build trust. In that way, a key way to build trust, and I would say Elaine, the number one way to build trust is by being consistent between what we say and what we do, because by not being consistent, the fastest way to lose trust, like if we promise something and we say something and we don't do it, then we're losing that trust and that credibility. So being consistent between what we say and what we do, and many times, new leaders or managers who do not have responsibility, not to have responsibility, don't have a lot of experience. They may promise things that they may not fulfill later, and as a result of that, people don't trust them. So that the reason why it's so important to be sure that we are not sure that we can fulfill our promise, that we don't promise something that we are not sure we can fulfill later. So by being consistent with your work, what we call that is integrity. By showing integrity consistency, what between what we say and what we do, that is a great way to build trust, and there are small ways also Lane doing that, like being on time. You know me, like I own almost on time. You are too, but yeah, so there you have been always on time. It's like, we know we can count on that, and if I am not on time, it's something happening. You were wondering, you know what's really going on here? Because you know what to expect, because I am consistent with being on time. Why? Because I'm consistent with what I am saying. So being in time is one of the way that we're showing that integrity and consistency so people know what to expect from us. So that is a key element of that consistency between what we say and what we do. The other piece is about empathy. It's about showing interest and understanding of where people are that doesn't mean necessarily that we may agree with them, but by being curious and by showing that we are understanding them, that does not mean necessarily we are agreeing with them. That build trust. If I am building a relationship with somebody that I feel is empathic with me, that is empathetic, that they can try, at least to put themselves in their shoes. We can never do that. We can never, ever put ourselves on the shoes of somebody else. But by being interested and being curious and sure, we're understanding them, we are listening to them. We are building transattories of what there is a huge relationship between different competencies, between trust presence, because when we're not present, when we are doing something else, we losing trust people, if we are not being with them, and we are our body there, but our mind is somewhere else. We are not present, we cannot be trust. And by listening, we are building trust. So this, all of the competencies are related to each other, so by listening and showing understanding, we're building trust by being present. We're building trust by being empathic. We're building trust by being consistent between what we say and what we do. We're building trust. These are all small things that build trust, showing respect, showing respect, showing that we the other people stand is important, like when we are later, we're making people wait. I think it's a lack of respect, because we may be giving the message that their time is not as important as ours. So showing respect, showing respect for differences, for their time, respect is very close to. Related to trust.

I was curious about, just for those who may not be familiar with the difference between empathy and sympathy, you touch on that? Can Can you talk a little bit more about about the difference between the two and how it might show up, you know, in the workplace?

Yeah, so empathy is when we can put ourselves in the shoes of the other person and from that space to be supportive. Okay. Sympathy is when you may put yourself, maybe not purposely, but in a place of superiority, or a place where you in some way, make a comment trying to support the other person, but you may make comments that are not really helpful. For example, somebody is in a situation where they lost something and they say, Well, you lost this, but you have something else. It's like you're looking for places to make that a person feel better, but you're coming from a place of not putting yourself in the shoes that you are in the same place that the other person sometimes like from superiority or looking at something that is not really helpful, so sometimes sympathy comments are not as helpful and supportive.

Okay, you also, I, you also talk about this, like mirror Huron system, yeah, and I was read, I was reading it, and I was like, Oh, this has happened to me, yeah.

Well, sometimes our brain and their neurons in a mirror way function, like when you're watching a movie and you see somebody who is in pain, or you realize somebody's in pain, and then your neurons elect function like a mirror. So it's like you're feeling the same experience. So for example, you see somebody crying, and then you feel like crying too, because it's like you see yourself in a mirror in some way. So that's one of the way that we may show empathy. But we don't necessarily need to experience the same thing that other person to be empathetic, but that's one of the way that our brain may work.

Oh, that's That's fascinating. You know, earlier you you were talking about some strategies for for building, building trust, tell me more about the importance of being vulnerable as a leader, with your with your team and your colleagues.

Yes, when you build, when you demonstrate vulnerability, and vulnerability, not weakness, but is being authentic. So vulnerability here is related more with authenticity than with weaknesses. And authenticity means that as human beings, we all have area where we feel that we are not as strong, or that we feel that we are unique, or that we are different, or this information that most of the time we don't share because we are afraid of being judged negatively, but at the end of the day, it would connect us with other people. So for example, when you make a mistake, acknowledging that you made a mistake is a way to show authenticity and vulnerability in this context. And I do believe that leader that are able to own their mistakes, they that make them more trustworthy, because I know that okay, my leader is a human being that also is able to acknowledge when he or she make mistakes. So that is a good way to embrace that vulnerability, that authenticity, that and you do it one of the way you do it through acknowledging your your mistakes and being human. People connect with that. Sometimes I do that. Also when I do presentations, I share some of my struggles. And when I do that is a way to be authentic, or if I share a mistake like I shared with you before today, we started sharing like a personal experience that doesn't make me necessarily look good, but it's something that happened to me may happen to other people. So by being authentic and being vulnerable, you can connect with that. Because we are all human, and we all have these kind of experiences. So we're sharing this kind of struggles, or area where we learned we can connect at a deeper level and build trust.

Yeah, I know, personally, I appreciate when, when somebody can admit that, that they made a mistake and and then, you know, on the on the flip side, when somebody is just cannot accept that they made an error, they're trying to blame others. That really does impact the way that I I connect with them. It's it's true, yes, when somebody can own up to to mistake, because no one's perfect. It right? There's so many things we just, we don't know, but I appreciate when somebody is vulnerable and says, You know what, I screwed up and I'm sorry, versus trying to just, you know, deflect and, you know, trying to blame somebody else. When something doesn't go right, it's like, it's okay, no, it's perfect, yeah, yeah. In your your book, you, you, you reference Brene Brown, and you talk about braving. Tell us about about this, she, you know you. It's the anatomy of trust. So what does that mean? What does braving mean?

Well, when I was researching to put together my trainings like a train coaches, supervisor, team coaches, there is a session on trust and building trust, and I found a video of a presentation that Rene Brown did at UCLA. You have seen that probably your treatment many years ago, and she talked about braving, and braving is an Achim ism for what she understand as trust. And basically she defined trust as being willing to give note authenticity. And she talks a lot about authenticity and vulnerability is being able to feel safe when you share anything with the other person, knowing that the other person will be supportive and will not be judging you negatively. So she used braving as a mechanism with different element of trust, and the first one is B for boundaries, the idea that you want to set up clarity when we're talking before about what is appropriate and what is not, what is expected, what is not. So we are clear here about our relationship. We have some rules of engagement. We know what to expect and we know when to say no, but the boundaries in our relationship are clear. So when there are good boundaries, then we can build trust. The second one is reliability in braving and reliability that consistency, you are reliable. You know what to expect, because your behaviors are consistent over time. So somebody reliability related to integrity that we discussed before, but reliability in this context means consistently behaving in similar ways. Then accountability. Accountability is I accountable? I fulfill my promises. If I say I'm going to do something, I am going to do it, and if I am not able to do it, I will be responsible for that, and I will be willing to own that, whatever it is that I wasn't able to do so in the acronym, the next letter is V for vault, And the VA that the everything we share it confidential. So, like, it's like evolved when you stay when you share with me, stay with me, and when you don't do that, then people will not trust you. Particularly when you hear people talking about other people, you wonder, Oh, as this person is talking about somebody else, are they going to be talking about me to other people too. So that make you wonder, to what extent you share some information with others. So vault is knowing that whatever you share with me is safe with me. Then the next one is integrity. And that integrity we were talking about, that consistency between what we say and what we do. In this acronym, integrity relates to not only being consistent between what you say and what you do, but also about choosing what is right. So there is an element here in when you have many choices because you are in you follow some integrity values. It's about the values where how you live your life. Okay? So in this acronym, the next letter is N for non judgment. So here is basically, I am just supporting you and listening to you. I'm not judging you negatively. I'm stop any judgment that may put you down. So the idea is sometimes challenging, because we this is what we do. We're looking for meanings all the time, but we stop our judgment, particularly negative one. So I know that whatever I share with you, you will not be judging me negatively. So because of that, I can trust you and fame. And finally, generosity, and I like it very much, because generosity is thinking that whatever you're doing, you are doing your best, and you have good intentions, so you're not thinking, Oh, negative level. You're trying to hurt me. You have a negative. The intention. I am very generous with my ideas about you. I am making my panel all the time to be like that with me, to forgive me fast. Just be generous with your thinking about me. I am not doing anything to hurt you. I will never do anything to hurt you. So if I did something, if I say something that make you feel bad, be general with your assumptions. I was not doing that purposely. I was not trying to make you feel bad.

Easy to say, no, so easy to do. But yeah, I think that this framework from Brene Brown is really helpful. I really like it, and in the book, I will explain it, they're prepared, interested in learning more about the other element of trust from Rene Brown, and then at the end of the book, or at the end of this chapter, I talk about different kind of trust, like trusting ourselves, trust in others, trusting the process, trusting The context. This is related to how we started today. Is, are we somebody who is easy for us to trust? Or, if not, and there are some elements where we do not trust ourselves, more difficult to trust others. So there is a relationship between trusting me and trusting others. If I don't trust myself, it will be difficult to trust other. Well, we see some leaders that they don't trust other people because they're perfectionist, that they don't think that they're going to be doing a good job, and that, most of the time, create insecurities, because if I am working with you and I don't trust you, you may not trust yourself as a result of that. So that is not helpful. It's like and sometimes the other side of easy when leaders trust people and they may not trust themselves. By attracting them, they may be the muscle to start attracting themselves

more true. True. Alright, well, this was a great topic to cover. Trust is, yeah, it's at the heart of so many things and interactions, right? And, of course, it's beautiful if we could start from a place of trust, but we understand that sometimes people's, you know, upbringing or or just experiences kind of mess with people's ability to trust, but, but you know, you're in your book, you you share some, some tips about how to, you know how to build trust and the importance of trust as as a manager when you're working with with your employees, and how you know being vulnerable is important, and and integrity doing what You're saying is also key. So it was great to see you again, Damien, and to talk about this chapter, chapter five. So thanks

everybody for listening to us, and next time we're going to be covering chapter six. Thank you.